Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
