Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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