ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
