Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
