I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
