Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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