Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
