I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
