Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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