When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
