I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
