I feel like abortions should bother me more
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I need to align my fucking chakras
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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