No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
