cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
You ruined the universe
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize