i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
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