i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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