we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
