i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
