What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
