so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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