I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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