Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
