If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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