someone get that fucking seahorse.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
