Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize