Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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