i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
50% drunk capacity currently
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
