Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
