I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
