I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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