I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize