i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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