rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
It's rum buckets o'clock
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
