More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
