My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize