my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize