i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
