okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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