I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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