it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
