there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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