How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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