Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
His nipple licking is glorious
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