Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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