When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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