Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
