dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
