Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Randomize
