I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
