i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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