I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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