if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
