don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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