I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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