I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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