You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
