I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
