you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
