i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
