So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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