problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
